A letter to my neighbor

Dear neighbor,
I'm sorry about this morning. Seeing you at the doctor's office with a string of photos from your 20 week ultrasound really caught me off guard. I don't really know what my face looked like when you asked me if I wanted to see the pictures of your little guy. It may have seemed like I was horrified. I know I kinda froze. I didn't know what to do. I just realized that's what I should be doing right now and it hit me kinda hard. If there was ever a time for divine intervention I'm pretty sure it was then - the nurse calling my name right at that second. I kinda ran. I don't remember if I even said goodbye or anything. I was shocked and hurt. Not really by you - by circumstances. I know you're worried I was mad at you. I'm not. Hurt - but not because you are expecting a baby or I wouldn't want to see your pictures. I just suddenly realized I should be 19 weeks right now. And I'm not. There's no ultrasound pictures for me. No tiny flutters. The fact that I even had to be at the doctor trying to find out why I am still hurting so much from the d&c almost 2 months ago is awful. I didn't think I would run into anyone I knew, much less someone I knew due the same time I was. The doctor didn't find any reasons I should still be hurting, but I am. She said it could be a form of depression. It was not a particularly cheerful morning for me at the doctor's office.

I know you don't understand my struggles right now. It's not often we truly can understand another human beings struggles. That's what our Savior is for. He understands everything. And He will make it so all our pain is gone. You reminded me of that when you texted me today apologizing for being foolish. I didn't feel like you were foolish at all. You don't understand. And truthfully, I'm grateful you don't understand. It means you've never had this struggle. I hope you never do.

A friend and I were recently talking about when you lose a child you become part of a club. A horrible club that no one ever really wants to be a part of. As much as I wish that there wasn't a club, I find myself equally grateful that there are people out there who do understand. Oh, they don't truly know how I'm feeling, none of them are me. Even my dear husband who has been with me every step of the way doesn't truly understand MY pain. The Savior is the only one who can truly understand exactly how I feel. I don't know how he does it. But that is the promise and I believe it. I have good friends who know instantly when I say "I am sad today" that I mean far more than what I just said. Sometimes I need people who understand on that level. I cannot even express how much I love those friends I have made who understand. We hope and pray that no one else will have to join our club. But people keep joining the club. And when they do we open our arms for them and we cry. We hold them and cry for them, we cry for us, too. We cry because sometimes life is hard and we understand on a totally different level than a lot of people. I suppose there are clubs for every kind of trial we go through. If we are willing to open up to others we find there are others in the same club. Others who open their arms and share with us our burdens. It doesn't mean the burdens are gone, not by a long shot. But it does help ease the burdens to have someone willing to share it with us.

You've probably seen me posting pictures of flowers like crazy lately. That's what I get to share about my babies. I know there are people who think it's kind of weird, but that's the way I get to share my babies that aren't on earth. I try to keep Facebook pretty positive, but I can't ignore the fact that they are my kids, even if the world can't see them. They are mine, and I happily post pictures of them. I have a miniature rose for each of my kids. This is the first time this summer they've all had blossoms at the same time. So I braved a hail storm to rescue these 5 flowers. Yeah, I may be a little crazy...but it seemed like a good idea at the time. And my husband got a kick out of it, too.

Please don't be upset if I don't take you up on your offer to come hold your new baby in February. I don't really know how I will be feeling then - but I imagine it will be rough. I may not feel like I can bring my sadness to your house - I truly wouldn't want to take away from the joys of having a new baby in your home. There is something special about holding new babies. I got to hold two last week, my niece and my cousin's baby. And I truly loved both times. But neither time really made my heart hurt any less for my own missing babies. And sometimes, I am totally ok. I was this morning, even. But sometimes it hits hard and suddenly I feel like there's nothing I can do except cry. Grief is a funny thing that way. It's a roller coaster. Sometimes you get lulled into a false sense of security thinking you're doing ok - then suddenly your whole world is upside down and you might not even be sure how you got there. That's what happened this morning. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable or upset. I truly wasn't angry with you at all. I just got caught a bit off guard. I hope you had a great time getting to see pictures of your baby. Those 4D ultrasounds are so cool, aren't they?

Daughter's Day

My dearest Lillian,

Did you know that the last Sunday in September is Daughter's Day? It's been going around Facebook the past few days. Lots of pictures with "Like and share if you love your daughter" or "Share so the world knows how proud you are of your daughter" or a hundred other ways people use to get people to like and share their pictures. I don't like people trying to make me do things. I just don't. When the blurb starts "You can't watch this without crying" I almost always skip the video. Cause I won't cry - mostly cause they told me to. Also, I am not so often moved to tears over things like cute puppies. Usually if I cry watching videos it involves laughing so hard I cry. Or a very spiritual experience sometimes does it - but not always. I wouldn't really classify myself as a crier. I digress.

I don't like people trying to get me to do what they want. Ask my brothers. They'll tell you the best way to get me to do anything as a kid was to tell me I couldn't do something because I was a girl. I climbed trees and caught snakes with the best of them. :) I still don't really like people trying to make me do things. So I never like or share posts like that. Truthfully, they annoy me. But this time it hit my heart to see all the mothers posting about their daughters.

Last night was the general women's broadcast for the church. Every time I find myself watching mothers and daughters and wishing you were here to go with me. I know, you technically wouldn't even be 8 yet - but in my mind you are a bit older than you would really be if you were here. Mostly, it's just something I wish I could do with you and I never will. I suppose life will be full of those moments. I realized it about prom dress shopping not long ago. And that opened a flood of things I never get to do as your mom. Oh, I'm sure in the eternal scheme of things most of them don't even matter one tiny bit. But on this earth, some of them feel like a big deal. I've noticed a lot of them this past year.

I was already missing you a lot. I'm sure part of the reason I feel emotional is that it's been a rough week around here. I spent a good portion of two days at the hospital. One to get a tonsillectomy consultation for Caleb, and Dad had a hernia repaired on Thursday. I had no idea how exhausting it would be for me for him to have surgery. Half the battle is making sure he doesn't overdo things. He is not a very good patient. It is a good thing he doesn't have to be the patient very often. Gavin's been up at night working on teeth and maybe an ear infection. Dad gets up 1-2 times a night to take medicine and usually that wakes me up too. It's been a long week. And I'm always more emotional when I'm tired. It's just the way I'm built.

Yesterday, knowing that today I would miss you a lot, I drove all over town to find pink lilies. For some reason they're hard to find when I am specifically looking for them, even if they were there just a couple days before. I finally ended up going to a florist and got a gorgeous bunch of lilies. She told me they were Stargazer lilies - which truthfully aren't quite the right pink lilies - but I was really tired of driving all over town so I agreed. I can't express my joy to find they were pink lilies. She said "They're not the official stargazer lilies cause they don't have as much white, but they're still called stargazers." I wanted to tell her that Stargazer is the name of the lily - they all have different names. But I didn't. I said thanks anyway and took my gorgeous pink lilies home. There are 5 of them open today and each one is about as big as my hand fully extended. There are at least two more that will open in the next few days. I love lilies!!! I hope you do to. If you don't, there will be a moment in heaven where we will probably laugh about how much you dislike them and I kept getting more to remind me of you.

I wonder if you think I've forgotten about you the past few weeks. I haven't. I've spent a lot more time thinking of your baby brother. I suppose I can't really help it. You've been gone for nearly 7 years. Most days I don't feel a strong heartache and loss when it comes to you. I was completely blindsided by going through this again. It's different this time. Some things are easier. Some things are harder. I still hate it. I just want my babies to be with me. A mommy isn't supposed to have to say goodbye to her babies. It's just....not fair. I know, I know. Life isn't fair and there's nothing anyone can do. Still - it's about the only thing I can think of to say these days. Still, I haven't forgotten you. I think of you often and you will be forever my sweet daughter.

Sometimes it's really hard to not have you here. This weekend I kept wishing I could turn around and find you'd be there. You're always that close in my mind. Sometimes I wish the world could see you the way I do. Then people might quit asking me "are you going to try again for a girl?" when I venture out with three boys. I know I would ruin everyone else's day by mentioning you. So I don't. I remind myself I have you. I might even think an angry thought or two in my head. But I never say anything. I don't want to ruin anyone's day. And I don't want my boys to think I don't love them even if they're not girls. So I don't say anything. I say "I wouldn't know what to do with a girl" or "we like boys" or something like that. It's true, and maybe sometimes kinda flippant. But I wish people wouldn't comment. Sometimes it hurts like a slap in the face. And going out to do errands with three small children isn't easy. I don't need to feel like I've been slapped too.

Thank you for always being close to me. I hadn't realized how close you really stayed until we did this again. Baby Sam isn't as physically as close to me as you are. More often than not, I believe he's slightly put out that I wish he was closer. He's learning - but it's not just a natural thing for him, I guess. I didn't know how lucky I was to feel you so close almost any time my thoughts turned to you. Thank you. I don't know what things you're missing out on in heaven by staying so close, but it comforts me greatly feeling you are close.

I wish you could be here, my girl. I really do. I know losing you has taught me things I never would have learned otherwise. I know it has shaped my person to be who I am today. I suppose I am grateful, but I still wish you were here. Buying lilies when I'm thinking of you brings me joy, but it's not the same as having you here. I can't bring you here. But I can bring lilies home and it makes me smile and think of you. And so I do it. I think some people think I'm crazy. But it doesn't matter. I do what I do to make ME happy. And thinking of you makes me happy. I am grateful to be your mother. I am sure you are up in heaven doing all kinds of great work. I am certain you are happy. I am glad you can be learning from my grandma. I've been missing her a lot too. I'm glad you two can be together in heaven. I think she would love that your middle name is Jane. Rumor has it she wanted my middle name to be Jane. Either way, we gave you the middle name of Jane because of her always calling me Tasty Jane. I'm glad you guys have each other and baby Sam and Grandpa Fred - and I'm sure a lot of other people too. It would be really hard to feel like you were alone. It is my nature to take care of other people. I can't be there to take care of you so I have to leave it up to others.

I love you, Lillian. Happy Daughter's Day!

1 month

I'm not really sure where August went. It just kind of....is all a blur. We did plumbing stuff for the first three days - then school started on the 25th and everything in between is just...I don't know - it feels like it's just gone. Today is one month since we found out there was no heartbeat. I'd never really been able to understand just how awful the words "There's no heartbeat. I'm sorry" were before.

I've been trying to figure out what I did for the last month.
I watched all 5 seasons of Leverage - again. I love that show - and I almost cried during the last episode. They sure did a good job with that one - even though I knew the real ending I still wanted to cry.

I played 238 levels of Angry Birds 2. I don't often play games on my phone. But when I do - it's because I need time for my brain to shut off for a while. I downloaded the game one month ago. And I've played like a maniac - often while watching Leverage.

I cried - a lot. It's not so much every day now - but somedays start out fine and end in tears. Yesterday was one of those days. I did so good all day to get up and get moving and get stuff done - but by the end of the day I couldn't keep anything together.

I hurt, a lot. I had a lot of cramps the few weeks I was pregnant this time. Enough that some days I took tylenol every 4 hours. It hasn't really stopped. Usually sitting down is worst - though laying down is bad sometimes too. I don't know if that's normal or not. Sometimes tylenol doesn't even work. I should probably call the doctor's office and ask if that's normal.

I weeded my front flowerbed a lot. It makes me happy to look out the window and see all the flowers. Since we put in a new flowerbed in April and it was totally empty for a while, I put all the annuals I bought this year there. The backyard is looking really bare and sad these days. And I don't even really want to take care of it because of that. I just want to take care of all the pretty flowers. My front flowerbed is really well weeded today.

I ate a lot of mozzarella sticks. It's been one of the only foods I've wanted to eat. I just don't care about food most days. And when I do get around to eating, at first it made me sick every time. And then things just didn't taste right. It's a good thing I have a family who needs dinner every night - cause I tend to not make food just for myself.

I've mowed the lawn. This probably sounds weird. But somedays I just need to work till my body is exhausted and I can't even think of anything else. Mowing the lawn does this for me. We have a lot of lawn to mow. Even if Sam and I are both mowing (it's been really nice this summer to have two mowers) it takes more than an hour. And usually by the time that hour is up - I'm exhausted. There have been days I've had to have Sam start the lawn mower for me - it's a bit finicky sometimes and my body didn't really have the strength it needed to get the mower started. Somedays he won't start it for me - saying I am too emotional to handle a power tool. He's probably right. But it's made me cry sometimes. One day he offered to get the chainsaw started for me. I told him I was feeling irrational and that I probably shouldn't handle things like chainsaws or we might not have any trees left - or I might accidentally get a hand or foot in the way - something that doesn't really happen with the lawn mower. I swear - mowing the lawn has been like therapy some days.

And I finished Baby Sam's blanket. Months ago someone sent me a box of angel baby clothes and blankets and there was one that had the coolest pattern - but no one had the pattern so I tried testing it out. I started it for our February Baby. It was a big blanket and the pattern isn't terribly complicated - but putting the pieces together is. The first several rows I did definitely weren't perfect. By the time I got the hang of the pattern I couldn't bring myself to take out the first several rows (maybe 6"). I did that while there was a little baby I was planning to wrap in it. I hate taking out my crocheting. Really, ask my mom. I HATE taking out my crocheting. Most of the time I need to take it out, I restart the project, then later go back and take out the old project. No joke. I hate taking out my work. But I couldn't bring myself to start over on this blanket either. Emotionally I was a lot more connected to this project than every other one I've done. I couldn't decide if I loved the pattern or hated it. I have people asking me to write up the pattern. I don't know if I can. This is a very special blanket - and putting all the pieces together isn't really very easy. But I finally got it done this week. And I love how it turned out.

I've been working on this blanket almost non-stop for weeks. Many nights I would tie off the blanket and take it to sleep with. It's something to hold. It's not the baby I want to hold, but it is SOMETHING. And something connected to Baby Sam. It's his blanket. It's something for me to hold when I miss him. And I do miss him.

You might think I couldn't possibly miss a little boy when I have three. Guess what? I do. I think about him every day. I feel like someone is missing. Now there are two kids missing in this house. I hate that. It's not like sending a kid off to school that you might miss for an hour or two. It's different, missing someone who never even came to the house. If you've never had this kind of experience (and maybe even if you have) I realize I might sound crazy. I don't really know any other way to explain it. I have their blankets. I have lilies and roses planted in the yard. Those are the physical things I have. Oh, and a couple ultrasound pictures of Sam - one that even shows his little heartbeat. I know there are a lot of people who don't understand why I am so open about all this. I realize there are people who think I am just plain crazy. I am grateful for those people who DO understand. That means you've probably been through this yourself and I am sorry you've had to be here too. It's a hard place to be. I appreciate immensely the people who admit they don't understand, but they are sorry. They don't question my sanity or my tears.

I have had several people lately who seem to be put off by me saying I've lost a baby (now two) and I get some of what they are going through. No, it's not the same as losing a child you've held. I know - it's a totally different situation. It's not the same as losing a child you've had several years. I DO know it's not the same. I didn't ever intend to imply that I completely understand your trials. I don't. Even people who have been through the same thing I have - I wouldn't say I completely understand. I might understand pieces, though. I have lost two children. I know there are people in the world that say it's not even close to losing a child to have a miscarriage. But it is to me. My little angels are very real to me. They are unique beings and no, they are not the same as my other kids. I've always thought of Lily as my perfect child I never argued with. She always listens every time I say something. I'm sure if she was on earth, it wouldn't be like that. This was the first time I ever felt like she was exasperated. I told her to keep an eye on her little brother. And he didn't want to be watched. And in my mind I could totally see the situation of the oldest sister trying to take care of a little brother who doesn't want to be taken care of. Maybe cause I was the oldest sister. But she's real. Sam is real too. He's learning these days. He's learning what it's like to be a mortal being - through me. He is having to stick close to me to learn. At first he really disliked that a lot. He knew he was fine and he didn't want me trying to talk to him and call him back from whatever Heavenly adventures he was having. He is his own person. He just had a very short life. These kids of mine are my kids. And a lot of people think it shouldn't matter this much to me, but it does. And I understand some of what it is like to lose a child. I don't know about planning a funeral or graveside service. I don't understand a lot of things, but I do understand some. Like my friend Amy telling me she totally understood why I wanted to mow the lawn till I was exhausted. Even my sweet husband didn't get that. He's been through the exact same trial I have - at the same time - the same babies - everything. But he is not me. We are all individual human beings and we all have our own unique lives. But we can understand pieces of each other.

Some days I hide in my house and I don't answer the door. Somedays I take the boys out and try to find something to do so we don't have to be home. Somedays I can't wait to hold a brand new baby. Somedays I can't pass a baby without wanting to cry. Somedays I want another baby right now and somedays I am certain I will never emotionally be ready for another baby. Sometimes I switch back and forth between emotions so fast it almost scares me. I swear I'm on a roller coaster - and I'm not a big fan of roller coasters. I want off. I really want to be normal again - though what "normal" is for me...I'm not really sure right now. It's a good thing I have relatively good instincts - I'm pretty sure that's what has kept my kids going ok these past few weeks. I'm glad they are here. I need things to keep busy and busy they certainly keep me. They make me crazy sometimes and sometimes I hide in my room and cry and wish things were easier. But the truth is I wouldn't trade them for anything. They truly have kept me going the past month.

We have made it a month. It feels like a weird milestone. We are going to make it. I know we will. And it's easier to handle than it was a month ago. But sometimes it's still hard. I suppose there will be days even 60 years down the road that are hard. Having done this before I know it doesn't ever get totally better. Losing your child isn't something you get over. It's like having a hole blown through your heart. You piece it together - but there is a part that is always missing. And if it's hit just right it feels like it will break into a million pieces again. But we keep trying to put things back together. And in the eternities, this will all seem like a very small thing. But right now it is almost life consuming. But we are a few days closer to eternity than we were a few weeks ago. We can make it. Today is a good day. I've even written this whole thing without crying (I cried a lot last night).

Sweet Baby Sam,
I always call you Baby Sam - to help keep track of which Sam you are. I suppose someday you will be all grown up and not like that - but Daddy has this thing about the name Sammy. He said we'd probably never call you that cause he always hated being called Sammy. I wonder if you mind. I miss you, sweet boy. I know, I know - you are doing just fine in Heaven. I'm not worried about you - I just miss you. Wish I could kiss your little round face and run my fingers through your blond hair. It probably seems like a silly thing to you - but that's how I feel. I know you're working to pay good attention to me while you learn about how to be a mortal being. I hope I can be a good example for you. I am trying. I love you very much - more than a bus. I know that probably doesn't make much sense - but it's something we say in our family. And you are a part of our family. We love you!

Why

As human beings we tend to ask "Why?" a lot. It seems like we are always looking for someone to blame. And it makes me crazy - especially in politics. Sometimes we never get an answer to "Why?" and truthfully, most of the time, it truly doesn't matter. As my dad always says, "I don't care who is to blame, I just want a solution."And as Tom Hanks says in Sleepless in Seattle, "There was nothing anyone could do. And it's not fair. But if we start asking why, we'll go crazy." Can you see how these things go together? As I'm typing it out I'm not sure it makes sense - it is almost 2 am, after all. But I just got an answer of "why" and felt I needed to record it.

On the day between finding out our little baby, Sam, had no heartbeat and going in for a d & c we struggled....a lot. It is awful to have 2 days to think. It's awful to try to explain to your kids why Mom and Dad are crying and robotic and don't really care about much of anything you say. It's awful to see all the posts on Facebook talking about what Planned Parenthood is doing. I think there was a part of Sam that wondered if that's what the d & c was like. Maybe not. But it seemed that he was extremely distressed by the idea of a d & c. Maybe he just didn't know what that was. I know he desperately wanted the doctor to be wrong. We decided to visit with our bishop on that Wednesday night. It was a meeting with a lot of tears and a lot of compassion from our wonderful bishop. He gave Sam a blessing and that seemed to change everything for Sam. That was when I knew Sam would be ok. The bishop told us it was ok to ask "why" and, that if we asked in prayer, God would let us know in His time. I remember feeling like that was a weird thing to say. I thought "why doesn't matter" and "it won't change anything" and "there isn't anyone to blame" and probably a lot of other things too. But his words stuck with me.

Not long ago I was visiting with my neighbor/visiting teacher/Relief Society president and she said the same thing - that it was ok to ask God "why" and expect an answer. She used almost the same words the bishop did. That's when I decided maybe I needed to ask "why." So I did. In the temple the other night. I prayed and cried sitting in the celestial room. I had already been thinking about how thin the veil is between heaven and earth and to be in that room just confirmed it. I prayed and told God what I had been told, twice, and that I wasn't sure it mattered if I knew why. But that if I needed to know, to please tell me. And I didn't receive an answer there in the temple. It wasn't until tonight about 1:30 after we'd been woken up by our dog when some neighborhood dogs came into our yard and caused a racket.

As I was trying to go back to sleep I snuggled the blanket I am making for baby Sam. I was thinking about what I had been told. Then suddenly, almost as if someone was talking, I heard/thought, "It was because HE needed this."

It may not sound like much of an answer. I suppose it really doesn't answer why this happened to me. But for whatever reason, baby Sam needed this experience. He was so perfect he only needed to be on the earth for 11 weeks. And this experience is at least as much for him as it is for me.

After we found out there was no heartbeat he was so close. Every time I even started thinking about him I could see his little round face and blond head in my mind. He was right there. Then after the d & c he was gone. I could still see the same background in my mind - but he was missing. That might sound creepy or weird. But it didn't feel that way to me. I guess it was the way I knew he was truly not on earth any more. I felt like he kept telling me not to worry about him. And, I felt him learning. I truly felt like he was completely gone for several days. Like he might even be slightly frustrated that I kept wishing he would be close to me. I kept trying to tell him I wasn't worried about him, I wasn't even sad for him. I was sad and worried for me. And he came back. He's not ever present in my mind now, but he is sticking close. I believe this was something he had to learn about mortal beings. It truly felt devastating that he was just gone. I often feel Lily close - but he was just....gone. And he didn't really want me to call him back. But I can tell he is learning. He has been closer lately. I don't really know how to describe it. I can tell he's there sometimes. Like right now. And now we both know that this trial happened to us because he needed to learn something.

That's not to say I can't learn anything from this trial. I certainly can. I'm not truly sure what I am supposed to get out of this trial, yet. And maybe that's what I can pray for next - when my spirit is ready to know. Truthfully, why doesn't seem to matter to me this time around. I remember wondering why a lot when we lost Lily. It didn't help that it was Christmas time and everyone kept talking about baby Jesus and his miraculous birth. I found myself focusing a lot on why could God save Jesus, but not my baby. I learned over a long period of time that it was a lot bigger than just why God didn't save my baby. I needed to learn from that experience - and I learned a lot. I never would have started a closet for angel clothes, written patterns for angel clothes, or joined Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep if I hadn't known there was a need. I needed to know there was a need that I could fulfill. Something I could do that not many people could. These things have brought a LOT into my life. And I wouldn't trade those things I know. That doesn't mean I don't wish my sweet Lily was on earth with me, I do. I wish she was here. But I know I wouldn't be the person I am today if she was here. And that knowledge gives me some peace. I don't know if it made sense typing it out - have I mentioned it's about 2 am - but it does give me peace. I finally found "why" to that trial after searching and asking for several years.

Knowing why doesn't change anything, but it can bring peace. And I have peace tonight. I know at least part of why we lost baby Sam. HE needed this trial. HE needed to learn about mortal beings, and since his life was so short, he is learning a lot through me, through being my child that I love and miss and wish was here with me. Someday I am sure I will have the eternal perspective that won't wish things were different. But I am missing that right now. I wish I could hold my perfect little ones (they are not babies in heaven - they are kids that are growing and changing). But I know that God has a plan. I try to remember that, and it's really hard sometimes. But someday we will all be together and this trial won't seem so long and hard. And until then, when I feel really down and needing to be with my babies, I can visit the temple where the veil between heaven and earth is especially thin.

Two weeks

We've made it two weeks now. I keep thinking it's been a really long two weeks. Then I think it couldn't possibly have been two weeks yet...it still hurts a lot...surely two weeks is enough time to lessen some of the heartache a little.

This week we came across the pictures from the first ultrasound in July. We cried. One of the pictures shows the heartbeat. It makes me happy and sad at the same time. Baby Sam was a real living person. He didn't have a long life on this earth. But he is real!! The promise of being together in the eternities is wonderful, but waiting a lifetime for eternity is sometimes really hard.

7 week ultrasound picture and the blanket I started making several weeks ago.

Sometimes everything is ok. Truly, it is. People keep asking me how I am and I say "ok" or "fine" and they don't believe me. I can tell by the look on their faces. But I am ok, a lot of the time. Notice I don't say great or awesome. But ok. I am surviving. Sometimes I am ok simply because I have to be ok. I have three little people who need me. So even when it feels hard I still have to get up and take care of them. Sometimes I am just ok because I have to be ok. It's good though, to be needed. I might be tempted to stay in bed all day long if I didn't have anyone who needed me. Today I just wanted to finish the blanket I started for baby Sam several weeks ago. But turning on a movie and crocheting all day really isn't really going to make me feel any better. It will likely make me feel worse when the kids get into things and I have to stop what I'm doing.

So we went out this morning. We went to J and J garden center and wandered for well over an hour. I'm sure it sounds crazy to some people that I find a lot of joy in wandering around the nursery. But I do. It makes me so happy to see so many flowers. We found a cute little see saw for our fairy garden. And we found mini roses. I've been looking for mini roses for my kids for months now. I was so happy to find them for $5 today. I have 4 now. I just need one for Gavin. I planted them out front in the new rose bed we put in this spring. I'm loving how this flowerbed is turning out!! It looks so happy and cheerful. I find I am spending a lot of time weeding out there lately.

I keep feeling the need to work till my exhaustion matches the pain and sorrow I feel. I want to work till I can hardly move. Then I'm sure I could sleep instead of thinking all night long. But I apparently don't understand how tired I already am. Last night I ended up in tears (that's been happening a lot) because my dear husband said I needed a break and he wouldn't start the lawn mower for me (it's been finicky and I definitely don't have the strength to fight with it these days). He was right. I was so tired that using something with a motor was probably not the best idea. It's a good thing my husband cares so much about me.

The yard is getting to where it's looking a lot better, though. I've been spending lots of time out in the flowerbeds working on cutting back the irises and planting any new things I find on sale. Flowers make me so happy. I am planting roses for my sweet baby Sam. I will be able to celebrate his day (August 6) every year by picking any roses I want. It is one of the hardest things about trying to celebrate Lily's day in December - finding lilies. They're not typically December flowers.

 Lily's mini rose

Caleb's mini rose

 Emmett's mini rose

Baby Sam's mini rose

Rainbows

October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. The 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. I dread it every year. It hurts.

I find reminders everywhere I turn that I am missing my baby girl. And that others are missing their babies as well. I can't escape it. It hurts to be missing a baby. Somedays my heart is broken. With nearly 6 years behind us, there are way more good days than bad. But there are still hard days.

In the world of pregnancy and infant loss there is a term used for a healthy baby born after a loss; Rainbow Baby. I didn't know about this term when my own Rainbow was born. I was a mess of hurt and confusion then. If I could go back to any point in my life and change the way I lived, the first few months of his life would be what I would change. It was a really hard time for me. Looking back I realize now I should have sought help. I'm certain I had some postpartum depression and being barely a year out from my loss that I felt everyone expected me to just forget didn't help. I wish I had known about Rainbow Babies then. I wish I had been able to feel excitement of a new baby instead of just wishing for my missing baby.

There were days I would sit home with my new baby wondering why it was so quiet. Sometimes I felt like I should be searching for a toddler who was quiet because they were getting into something. It was the strangest feeling to me. And every time I bring a new baby home I have felt that same feeling that someone was missing.

When my next baby was born something changed for me. A lot of the hurting and aching were gone. There were, of course, hard days. But they were fewer and father in between. Shortly after his birth I heard the term Rainbow Baby for the first time. And it felt like he was my Rainbow. I didn't ache so much for my missing baby then. I guess I had come to terms with the fact that now was not my time to have with her.

This summer I got to bring yet another baby boy home. I was worried. I was so sick while I was pregnant I didn't care about much of anything. I felt so disconnected to the baby, my family, and everything else. We didn't find out the gender because I didn't want to hear people say they were sorry if we were having another boy. I was so sick that feeling sorry for myself was already easy. I didn't need more reasons to feel sad. I especially didn't want to hear that we needed to try again for a girl. I can't always explain that we already do have a girl, we just can't see her right now. I already avoid the pink sections of the stores as much as possible. I try not to look at all the little girl things I wish my daughter needed. I didn't even buy anything pink to possibly bring a baby home in.

Once baby was finally here all my worries slipped quickly away. How could I not be in love with this perfect little boy with the most gorgeous hair I had ever seen? He was perfect and wonderful and I was almost immediately done being sick. It was like he was my Rainbow Baby. I've decided that the term shouldn't just apply to the baby born right after a loss. It should really apply to every baby born after a loss. Because each one brings healing and beauty.

It's true, I have felt Lily missing a lot more the first few weeks after my boys have been born. This summer I even had a moment where I counted the kids and wondered who was missing. It only lasted a second or maybe two before I realized who was missing. I like to think she brings her brothers down to our family and stays to make sure they settle in. I like to think she is watching over us. Sometimes I feel her especially close. And I always miss her come October and Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. I miss her on December 8th, the day we lost her. I miss her in early July when the lilies bloom in my yard. She should have been born in early July. If she had been, she would have likely had lilies for her birthday every year.

Tonight there should be a wave of light as candles are lit for angels. At 7pm in each time zone for an hour there will be candles lit for angels all over the world. I've never done the candle lighting before. But I want to this year. I may have to light a few candles. I have met 16 angels since I joined Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep as a photographer in May of 2013. I have met countless people who have an angel of their own. These angels leave a mark on my heart. Sometimes they leave grieving marks and sometimes they leave healing marks. Sometimes they leave both. The little one I photographed last week was one that left both kinds of marks. It was my first session since my last baby was born. The first time I have ever had a little baby to snuggle when I got home. I held him close and stroked his face and thanked God for my new Rainbow Baby. I also cried for a Mommy who just had to say goodbye to her baby. I am really glad to be back with NILMDTS. It truly is a great blessing in my life to be able to serve families in a way few people can serve.

So here it is, October 15th in just a few minutes. I've been thinking about/dreading writing this all up for weeks. But now it is done. My thoughts and feelings in a jumble of words that maybe don't really make sense to anyone who hasn't experienced this. But I feel better. And sometimes, that's all that I really need from blogging.

When Mommy Has to Say Goodbye

The other night my husband watched a movie trailer; a movie that has been a huge hit in box offices this month. It is the story of a soldier who ends up being the sole survivor of his group. That preview made me cry, possibly thanks to crazy hormones...but I just kept thinking about all those babies who didn't return home to their mommies. And I cried. I cried for all those mommies who lost their babies that day. You see, I've come to the conclusion that no mommy should every have to say a final goodbye to her baby.

Just over 5 years ago we lost our first baby at what should have been 1/4 of the way through the pregnancy. It was Christmas time. Especially in church and in songs we heard a lot about the miracle of Christ's birth. In my grief all I could think was that it wasn't fair that Mary got to have her baby, and I didn't get to have mine. It was a rough Christmas. Shortly after Christmas I was listening to a song (at the insistence of some family members) about a soldier who didn't return home to his mother. Several of us were in tears. One mother in the room mentioned how hard it was to hear that song while having a son over-seas, not military related. And another cut in that it was even harder to have a son who had served in the military. I wanted to scream at them both. The one line of the song I remember talked about memories and pictures being all that was left to remember her child by. At least they HAD memories to remember their child by. I suppose grief is sometimes narrow-minded - I hadn't come to the realization yet that no mommy every wants to say that final goodbye to her baby.

A little over a year later a Marine from my hometown was killed in Afghanistan. I hadn't met him before, but knew his parents. I remember the moment the realization hit. Another mommy had had to say goodbye to her baby. My son was not yet 5 months old at the time and I remember going into his room and watching him sleep with tears streaming down my face. This time I wasn't crying for myself. I was crying for another mommy who had to say that final goodbye to her baby. He may have been in his 20s, but most moms will agree that their children are always their babies, no matter how old they are.

In the past 4 years I've met a lot of mothers who have had to say goodbye to their children. And I realize, even more strongly now, that no mommy ever wants to have to say goodbye to their baby. All of our experiences are different, and there's really no way to say what experience is hardest; a miscarriage, a stillbirth, a little one who couldn't live without machines, a tragic accident, cancer, war....and so many, many other things that take lives. Sometimes the mommy has passed on before the child, and I'm certain there are a great many reunions in heaven. But sometimes a mommy is required to stay on earth without her baby. And it just isn't fair. There are a lot of things in life that aren't "fair" and never will be. Today I'm specifically writing about one unfair thing that is especially close to my heart.

We never know how long we might get. It may be just a few days or weeks, it may be months or years, but ultimately, we never feel it is enough time. We feel cheated, I imagine, no matter how much time we have. Personally, I have only experienced one type of loss, that of a child we never got to see. And I know there are people out there who think a loss that early shouldn't matter that much, but it does to me. I picture her as a 5 year old with blond hair and blue eyes. She is sweet and kind and a perfect child who I have never argued with or been frustrated with. Perhaps they are silly daydreams. But she is real to me. And I fully believe that someday we will get to have her as part of our family. She inspires me and helps me to help other families who are having to say that final goodbye to their tiny babies as well. There are still hard days, days when my heart feels like it's been ripped out of my chest and I can barely breath and I don't know how I can go on missing my baby so much. But there are so many good days now. I often feel especially close to my sweet angel when I have a chance to visit with other angels though volunteering with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.

Sometimes I come home from a visit with an angel and I cry and cry. But I no longer only just cry for myself. I've been able to let go of the hurt I feel knowing other mommies got to hold their little ones, even for just a little while. It truly doesn't hurt me any more. I still wish my baby was here, but I know that just because I didn't get to hold my baby doesn't make my experience any harder or easier than these other mommies face. Having to say goodbye to your baby is a hard thing...no matter the circumstances.

And other mommies can, and do, understand this grief. Mary, the mother of Christ, can understand my hurt over losing my baby. The mother of the Marine from my home town can understand my heartache. There are mothers all over the world who have said goodbye to their babies, and they can all understand that grief. And of course, Christ understands better than anyone. How grateful I am for his sacrifice that he might be able to truly know each heartache we suffer. I don't know how it works, but I believe it does. I keep this picture to remind that even if I can't be holding my baby today, Christ is taking good care of her.

In the Arms of His Love - Del Parson

Someday we will all be together again, and what glorious reunions await in heaven for all those mothers and babies. I imagine it will be a truly beautiful day.

Wavy Crochet Blanket Pattern

Adapted from THIS hat pattern and THIS blanket pattern

20 week blanket size
3 colors of yarn
Color 1 = in between little stripe
Color 2 = first wavy stripe
Color 3 = second wavy stripe

Ch 52
Row 1 - color 1: sc across

Row 2 - color 2: sc across
Row 3 - color 2: sc across, ch 1, turn
Row 4 - color 2: *sc 3, hdc 2, dc 5, hdc 2* repeat * to * across (ending with sc 3), ch 1, turn 

Row 5 - color 1: sc across

A
Row 6 - color 3: *dc 3, hdc 2, sc 5, hdc 2* repeat * to * across(ending with dc 3) ch 1, turn
Row 7 - color 3: sc across, ch 1, turn
Row 8 - color 3:  *dc 3, hdc 2, sc 5, hdc 2* repeat * to * across(ending with dc 3) ch 1, turn this is a repeat of row 6 - all your stitches should match up with the stitches on row 6 - sc on top of sc, hdc on hdc etc.)

Row 9 - color 1: sc across


B
Row 10 - color 2: *sc 3, hdc 2, dc 5, hdc 2* repeat * to *  across (ending with sc 3), ch 1, turn
Row 11 - color 2: sc across, ch 1, turn
Row 12 - color 2: *sc 3, hdc 2, dc 5, hdc 2* repeat * to * across (ending with sc 3), ch 1, turn (this is a repeat of row 2 - all your stitches should match up with the stitches on row 10 - sc on top of sc, hdc on hdc etc.)

Row 13 - color 1: sc across

Repeat A and B until blanket is at desired length - I usually go until it's square for angel baby blankets. 

For your last two rows you'll want to do the last two rows of the next A or B section to make it less wavy on the top. So if the last full color you did was B then you'll do row 7 and 8 after your row 13. If the last full color you did was A then you'll do row 11 and 12 after your row 9

To make a bigger blanket start with a multiple of 12, add 3, add a ch 1 and turn.

Embellishing

Embellishing

Angel baby crochet outfits

I've been trying to find more ways to use embellishments lately. It's really fun to see how outfits can go from a cute outfit to a darling outfit with very little effort. 

These No-Sew Hats are great! I just tied on the little blue teddy bear button with a knot. I hot glued the rosebud onto the knot. 

This 16 week rosebud set is currently my favorite:

I hot glued my roses on - though I have heard of some other glues that might work as well/better. They seem to be sturdy enough for now. I've taken this outfit out a number of times and even fit it to the little 16 week size doll someone made for me and there is no danger of the roses coming off yet. I sewed the buttons on first then I didn't like the way they looked so I glued the rosebuds over them. Make sure the hot glue doesn't accidentally close your outfit off!

I've also been working to mix and match sets a little more so that everything isn't all the same color. One thing I've been playing with quite a bit is using the sewn Teeny Tears diapers with crochet sets. Someone else did these diapers - and inspired me to glue things onto the safety pins on the diapers:

One thing to be sure of is that your safety pins can still open and close with something glued on. The roses are hot glued on to one side of the safety pin so that it can still open. The buttons cover almost the whole head of the safety pin - but are nice and flat so you can still open and close them.

What other embellishing ideas do you have? I need to try this a little more - it makes the outfits have an extra measure of cuteness!

Extra Large Angel Baby Kimono

Extra Large Angel Baby Kimono Crochet pattern

Caron Simply Soft Yarn
F hook
XL crochet kimono - 26 week size
Size matches with the Teeny Tears large diapers (Crochet TT large diaper pattern)
For more angel baby info/patterns including best colors click HERE

Ch 48
Row 1: hdc 6, SH, hdc 8, SH, hdc 14, SH, hdc 8, SH, hdc 6, ch 2, turn
Row 2: hdc 2 in first stitch, hdc across, hdc 2 in last stitch - total 56
Row 3: hdc 8, SH, hdc 10, SH, hdc 16, SH, hdc 10, SH, hdc 8, ch 2, turn
Row 4: hdc 2 in first stich, hdc across, hdc 2 in last stitch - total 66
Row 5: hdc 10, SH, hdc 12, SH, hdc 18, SH, hdc 12, SH, hdc 10, ch 2, turn
Row 6: hdc 2 in first stitch, hdc across, hdc 2 in last stitch - total 76
Row 7: hdc 12, SH, hdc 14, SH, hdc 20, SH, hdc 14, SH, hdc 12, ch 2, turn
Row 8: hdc 2 in first stitch, hdc across, hdc 2 in last stitch - total 86
Row 9: hdc 14, Skip 18, hdc 22, Skip 18, hdc 14, ch 2, turn
Row 10: hdc 2 in first stitch, hdc across, hdc 2 in last stitch - total 52
Row 11: hdc across
Row 12: hdc 2 in first stitch, hdc across, hdc 2 in last stitch - total 54
Row 13-28: hdc across

Edge

XL kimono and large kimono - for size comparison

For more angel baby info/patterns including best colors click HERE

Angel Baby Large Bonnet Pattern

Large Angel Baby Crochet Bonnet

20 week size

F hook

Caron Simply Soft yarn

Ch 2
Row 1: 8 hdc in first stitch
Row 2: 2 hdc in each stitch - 16
Row 3: 1 hdc, 2 hdc - repeat around - 24
Row 4: hdc around - join
Row 5: hdc across - do not join any more - instead chain 2 and turn
Row 6: hdc across
Row 7: hdc across
Row 8: hdc across
Row 9: hdc, 2 hdc, across
Row 10: Girl (or ruffled) - 1 slip stitch, 3 hdc in next stitch - repeat across

Row 10: Boy/girl - Sc across - or crab stitch across

Boy bonnet with Crab stitch edge

Bonnets and Teeny Tears diapers

Boy Bonnet set - sometimes boys need bonnets if they have heads that haven't formed correctly. I put a hat and a bonnet in this set so the parents could choose. Large Kimono, loom knit hat, large bonnet, 2 Teeny Tears small diapers, Jacob's Ladder blanket

Girl set - Bunting, 2 Teeny Tears small diapers, large bonnet, Heart blanket (no pattern yet)

For more angel baby info and crochet patterns (including best yarn types and colors) click HERE

Basket Weave Crochet Blanket

Pattern adapted from THIS pattern

This pattern has been sized down for angel baby use - but if you double the numbers (14 instead of 7) you'll get a bigger pattern. Multiply it more times and you can get even bigger if you want.

This pattern is worked in rows - but for sizing I think of it like it is worked in squares. For an 18 week size blanket I did 6 X 6 squares. For a 20 week size I did 7 X 7.

You will have A blocks (sc only) and B blocks (fpdc & sc)
You will have sections of rows - I and II

Clear enough?

18 week size: ch 45 (7 stitches X 6 squares + 1 sc on each edge + 1 for turning)
20 week size: ch 52 (7 stitches X 7 squares + 1 sc on each edge + 1 for turning)

I will work the 20 week size pattern - for the 18 week size just leave off the last section of each row.
FPDC = Front Post Double Crochet (You can find how to do it on youtube)

Row 1: sc across - 51 - ch 1 - turn
Row 2: sc across - 51 - ch 1 - turn
I.
Row 3: sc 1, A: sc 7 (total of sc 8), B - FPDC around the front post of the sc two rows below, sc next stitch, FPDC, sc next stitch, FPDC, sc, FPDC (total of 7 stitches, 4 fpdc & 3 sc); Repeat A (7 sc); Repeat B, Repeat A, Repeat B, Repeat A, sc 1 (make sure to end on a sc!) ch 1 turn

Row 4: sc across

Row 5: Repeat row 3 (instead of FPDC around a sc below, FPDC around the FPDC below)

Row 6: Repeat row 4

Odd rows - repeat row 3
Even rows - repeat row 4

Up to through row 9 (include the first two rows of sc in your counting) - If you added stitches to the length of each of your blocks you will need to add extra rows to make each block a square shape when it's done. Just keep repeating the pattern until you have a square for each of your blocks. End on an odd row.

This is a good place to switch colors - but it is beautiful in one color as well.

To make your blocks wide enough I just fold the corner of the first section down to make sure it's a square or really closet to it.

II.
Row 10: sc across

Row 11: sc 1, B: FPDC around the front post of the sc two rows below, sc, FPDC, sc, FPDC, sc, FPDC; (Total of 7 stitches, not including first sc - should take up EXACT same space the sc A block did on the row before)  A - sc 7; (this section should take up the exact same amount of space as the FPDC block B did in the color before) Repeat A; Repeat B; Repeat A; Repeat B; sc 1 - ch 1 turn

Row 12: Repeat row 10
Row 13: Repeat row 11 (instead of FPDC around a sc below FPDC around the FPDC below)
Even rows: repeat row 12
Odd rows - repeat row 13

Up through row 17.

Close up of the basket weave texture

Switch colors
1
Repeat I
Switch colors
Repeat II
switch colors
Until blanket is the right length. I do 6 sections (I - II - I - II  - I - II) for 18 week size and 7 for 20 week size (I - II - I - II  - I - II - I)

Edge with a row of sc or two and whatever edge you want. I like the crab stitch.

All white blanket

For more angel baby info and crochet patterns (including best yarn types and colors) click HERE

Loom Knit Hats

Something new and exciting for the angel baby crafter crowd:

knitting looms small enough to make hats for angel babies!

Why we like the looms:
Knit is a LOT stretchier than crochet - making it easier to get the hats on delicate little heads.

The pegs on these sock looms are close enough together AND they're adjustable so you can make hats to fit nearly any size! (30 pegs for a 20 week size hat)

These flower looms are the exact right sizes for our crochet outfits

These are a lot easier for some people to use, especially kids.

Things we don't like about the looms:
The flower looms are a little bit finicky. I LOVE the small and medium size, but the big size is mostly a pain. My hands are too small to really hold it in one hand - but it's not really big enough to rest on anything while I'm holding it. These don't have grooves for the hook so you just have to finagle it till you get it to work for you. I only loop around 4-6 pegs at a time and use one thumb to hold it on while I work on the rest. There aren't flat pieces on the pegs to keep the yarn on. But the tiny one is the right size for a 15-16 week size outfit - something we haven't been easily finding.

Personally I'm not a huge fan of the adjustable sock looms. But I know some others really like them.

These knit hats take me a lot longer than crocheting a hat. More than double the time for the big one.

All in all - we're finding the looms to be a great way to get some tiny hats that are really stretchy. There are pros and cons to each kind - but they are working really well!

Sizes:
Large (20 week size) hat: about 4 inches of knitting
Medium  size hat: about 3 inches of knitting
Small size hat: about 2 inches of knitting.

Small size fits on my thumb

Yarns:
Caron Simply Soft yarn works well on these types of looms. It isn't the best though - smaller baby Sport Weight yarns work better - but to match an outfit - you can definitely use the Simply Soft yarn. Also there are sock yarns that are a lot thinner and I've heard those work really well too.

Brims:
You can make a brimmed hat - but you will lose lots of the stretch. On a large brimmed knit hat I found it stretched almost the exact same amount as the crochet large hat. So that is definitely an option.

For the medium and small hats I recommend not doing a brim and just letting the edge roll up (it will kind of happen anyway) because the smaller ones need the stretch so much more.

These two hats are made from the same yarn. The brimmed one stretches 1/2" less than the one with a rolled up edge. Not a big problem for the bigger hats - but the extra stretch is so helpful on the tiny ones.

I compared a knit hat with a brim and a crochet hat (both large sized) and found that they stretched nearly the same. So for me it's a lot easier to crochet the bigger hats and knit with the loom for the smaller hats.

Christine at Sew Much to Share, Davis County has a lot more info about different looms and yarn types. She's also got lots of knitting experience (this post is everything I know about knitting) and she has lots of other patterns and angel baby info on her blog.