Why?

Since I started making the angel baby burial outfits I have had a number of people ask me not only why I do it, but how I can stand to do it.

It's an emotional project. Sometimes I crochet with a heavy heart and a lump in my throat. Sometimes I want to completely stop and never look at another one. Usually by the time I get to that point I realize I need to put this project away and work on something else for a while - sometimes even weeks.

Last year my friend Kimberly lost her twins at 26 weeks. I remember reading her blog and watching her Facebook posts and wishing there was something I could do. I sent her some blankets I had made for her babies, but that didn't seem to help me feel much better.  Each time I have heard a story of an angel baby I feel that same sense of wishing there was something I could do. And until I got started on this project - there wasn't anything I could do.

My friend Wanita started me on the project. She kept trying to get me to crochet these outfits with her but it took months for me to get to where I could emotionally even consider the idea. Then one day I realized that if I made something like this I would have some way of helping grieving parents. So I tentatively started making outfits. Wanita put me in touch with Heidi Vawdrey who has a room in her house dedicated to angel baby outfits. Her blog gave me lots of ideas to work with and I started realizing that I could do this project.

I think a part of why I want to help is that I know how it feels to lose a baby. Granted, my baby was gone long before she needed an outfit. You can read more about Lillian HERE. This is a post I just wrote last week. It took me three years of angry quiet grieving to realize what I really needed was a project in her honor. The world will never recognize her. She never needed an outfit or a tiny blanket. She'll never have a grave marker or anything else. But I don't like pretending she didn't exist. She did exist. Maybe only for a couple of weeks - but she's very real to me. This last year I have healed so much more than I did the past three years. I know it's part of how grieving works that we move in stages. I've finally reached the stage where I want to remember. I want her to be a part of my life. And this project makes me feel closer to her - and to the other angel babies I hear about.

Each story I hear of an angel baby touches my heart. Sometimes they really make me cry. It's hard, sometimes, to live on this earth. Life isn't fair. It's not fair that Mommies have to send their babies back to heaven before they hardly get a chance to know them. Sometimes Mommies get to hold their babies for a bit. Sometimes they don't. I can't take away the hurt and the pain even though my heart wishes I could. It's hard to let your baby go. I know. Some people think I can't possibly know - that my baby was gone before she was much of a person - but I know. I can't take away the hurt. I can't make that baby come back - now matter how much I wish I could. The only thing I can do is make outfits to help other people. I can only hope that these people will know that I handmade these outfits for their sweet angel babies because I want to help. I hope they will know that someone else cares about their baby. I haven't met anyone who received one of my outfits yet. Maybe I will someday. But even if I never do I hope that these parents will know that someone else, besides themselves, cared that their baby existed.

I care about these tiny babies. I know their lives are short but each one touches mine. A Mommy never forgets. Someday we will get to meet these angel babies. And how could I face them knowing that there was something I could have done for them and didn't? Life is beautiful and should be celebrated no matter how short it is.

I guess the main point is that I feel compelled to make these outfits. Not a heavy, horrible compelled - but a compelled to help. I can help and I want to. This project has brought me so much peace this past year. I am also working to get certified to be a photographer with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep - an organization of photographers that go to the hospitals to photograph families and their angel babies. Sometimes it still feels like it will be too emotional. But, again, I feel compelled. More than anything I wish I had a physical remembrance of my baby. I can help others have that one thing I wish I had more than anything. So I want to do that. I'm working at getting my equipment updated and then I can submit a portfolio for review and hopefully be able to help even more by taking pictures.

For more info about the crochet outfits - see the Angel Baby Outfit page at the top of the blog or click HERE.

For Lillian

My dear, sweet baby girl,

How is it you have been gone nearly 4 years? Sometimes it seems time is flying so quickly I can't imagine how you've been gone that long. Other times I'm completely blind sided by how much I ache for you still. You have been on my mind a lot this past year. A friend started me on a project to crochet tiny outfits for stillborn babies. These outfits usually fit a baby who made it to 20 weeks. It's hard to believe you didn't even make it that long.

Last night I was talking to Dad and telling him how unfair I felt it was that you were gone so quickly. I feel you are very real to us but it seems like the world passed right by you without even hesitating a second. I felt as though I had no physical connections to you. You were gone so quickly you didn't even have a need for a single blanket. You didn't even make it to your first Christmas so the tiny stocking I got to put up for you sat in a drawer and still haunts me. But I have always wanted something that was yours. I have one ultrasound picture and that's it. No one made you anything. I didn't even make you anything. No blankets, no outfits, no tiny hats - nothing. I was never able to hold you in my arms or kiss your tiny head or have a single picture taken of you. Sometimes I am jealous of those mommies who have those things. At the time I may have felt differently - that it would have been easier to lose you before I could see you. But I don't feel that way now. Part of me wishes there was a tiny stone in a cemetery to mark your birth. Somewhere I could put pinwheels in the spring. Somewhere to sit and cry and wish you were with me. Is that awful of me to wish I had that?

I told Dad last night that it made me angry that you were gone so quickly that we didn't even have a chance to name you. You've just been 'the other baby' - and it's been 4 years. Dad asked me last night if I wanted to give you a name. We've known you were a girl since the night we lost you. Dad gave me a special blessing saying that "Heavenly Father is watching out for your daughter." We had been talking about names since we found out you were on your way, but we only had one we liked, a girl's name. Dad told me last night he's always thought you had a name - that one name we liked. The name had been brought up for each of your brothers, had they been girls, but neither of us have wanted to use it. I realize last night maybe that's because it's just supposed to be your name.

Lillian Jane Robbins

Perhaps you've known all along that's your name. Do you know why we picked it? Lillian is just a beautiful name. And lilies are my favorite flowers. We planned to call you Lily most of the time. We wanted you to have Lillian in case you wanted to be something that needed an official name on the sign out front. Jane comes from a nickname my grandma gave me - Tasty Jane. She always called me that. Rumor has it that she really wanted my parents to name me Jane and they didn't want to. And when I was little I said my name more like "Tasty" than "Stacy." I bet you've met her. She passed away 2 years ago. I miss her a lot. I hope you two are watching out for each other. She can teach you so many great things. You may be the only one of my children to really know her for a while, so I hope you take that opportunity to learn from her. She is a great example.

I suppose I do have one thing for you - a picture of Christ holding a baby. It has been packed away since we've been moving and it hasn't been out for over a year. I'm missing that painting. It reminds me that even though it hurts to be separated from you now that we will be together someday. The first time I saw the picture in Deseret Book I started crying almost instantly. I was with my mom and I told her I wanted the picture. She asked if it was for Caleb and I could only shake my head no and say, "for the other baby." It is your picture. But it's hard to cuddle with a picture. Dad suggested last night that I make you a blanket, like I did for each of the boys. I think I'm going to do just that.


I realized yesterday that in all the hours I have spent this past year making tiny outfits I had never once done something to celebrate you. I always think that December 8th is your day. Not really a birthday - since that was the day we lost you - I just think of it as your day. That day comes and goes every year and I find myself wishing someone else would stop and remember that day too. Usually I am pretty sad and lonely that day wishing for you. I decided yesterday that I want to have a celebration for you. The world may not recognize you by your name. No one will ever find your tiny headstone and wonder how we ever survived without you. The world may not recognize you were here. But I want to recognize you were here. I had you for 10 weeks. It sounds like such a short time but it changed my life. I can't just pretend it didn't happen. I want to celebrate you.

I don't know how we'll celebrate. I hope we come up with something that we can do every year. It may only be our family that celebrates you - but we will do it. I don't think we'll do cake and ice cream or anything like that. It's a different kind of celebration. Dad and I have plans to go to the temple this year. That is one place I feel very close to you. I spent half the night thinking up other things I can do for you. There are so many ways people celebrate babies who never had a chance to live on earth. I know some of them would think I was crazy to want to celebrate someone who wasn't even here long enough to get a name. But I want to do it. I want to make you more real in my life. When we buy a house I'm going to plant lilies - especially pink ones - all around. For you, since it is your name. And for me - since they are my favorite flowers.

You are a beloved daughter - both of your earthly parents and your Heavenly parents. Someday we will meet again. Thanks for sticking close to me lately. I love being able to feel you close - even if I sometimes wonder if I'm crazy looking around the room expecting you to be there. I love that you feel like part of our family. I wish I could see you playing with your brothers. I know they would adore you and that you would be the best big sister these two little boys could have. I love you, my Lily.

Love Mom

A close call

I suppose I should record this here too. Crazy that the thought just barely occurred to me. It's been a rather eventful weekend.

Thursday 11/8/12
Sam left for work about quarter after 7. Since it has turned quite chilly in the mornings he's been riding the bus with his bike in the morning then riding his bike home when it's warmer outside. Since we have no car he has also been stopping at the store more often than not to bring home whatever he can carry on his bike - usually milk.

When Sam called around 8:30 I was surprised that he was calling so early. He told me, "I just wanted you to know that I got to work safe." I said, "I'm glad to hear that. What happened on your way to work?" He said, "Oh nothing. I just wanted you to know I was safe." I knew something was up since he NEVER calls to tell me he's safe when he gets to work. Finally he admitted that something had happened on his way to work. He was up on 19th street waiting for the bus. It's a 45 mph road and quite busy. His bike was sitting against the sign for the bus and he was standing just behind it. Almost out of nowhere a purple PT Cruiser came flying at him. Sam jumped back. The Cruiser lost it's side mirror to the bus sign. Sam's bike got hit. The driver took off. A guy at the gas station behind the bus stop saw the whole thing happen, jumped in his car, took off after the Cruiser, got his license plate number and called it in to police.

 The driver of the Cruiser was arrested shortly afterwards. He was charged with a DUI and fleeing the scene of the accident. Sam ended up talking with the police officer long enough that he missed the 7:25 bus and had to wait till the 7:55 bus which he caught and got to work unharmed. His bike wasn't rideable. He planned to ride the bus home that night. He keeps his bike in his office at work and it was quite the conversation piece that day. Someone at work gave him a ride home - including a stop at the store.

I can't tell you what a relief it was to see Sam walk through the door that night. It's one thing to hear that someone is ok. It's another to see that they are ok yourself. Somehow Sam managed to not only not get hit but not to have any damage done to his person. His elbow was hurting a little when I talked to him on the phone - but by the time he got home he couldn't even remember which elbow it had been. No bruises - no cuts - no scrapes. When I think of it happening I can't even figure out how he didn't get hit. It must have been divine intervention.

I'm so glad we had morning prayers that day. So glad we prayed for safety and for the Spirit and that we would listen to the promptings of the Spirit. I'm so thankful for the driver who took off after the Cruiser. I wish I had a way to thank him. We've had hit and run issues before but never has anyone taken off after them. I don't know how long that guy ended up talking to police that day - but I'll consider him a 17 second miracle. He changed my life by his selfless act and his quick thinking. And more than anything, I'm grateful that our family is sealed in the temple. That even if we had lost Sam in this accident that we could have him again some day. I know it wouldn't make it easier to lose him - but it would be a comfort. I'm so glad we have the gospel.

Baby Does the Blogging - 11 months

I am walking all over like crazy now. I am pretty steady on my feet and I'm often trying to walk faster than is humanly possible. I can also climb up on almost everything. My favorite thing to climb on is chairs and then I can climb up on the computer table - but only if Mom leaves the chair close enough. 

I have now added "Mama" and "ta-da" to my word list. I don't like to talk much. Mostly I just like to clap my hands and wave my arms around and say "Da da da da da" I also like to sing sometimes. I dance too. I go up on tip toes and back down when I dance. I love it when Caleb sings and I like to sing with him. He is my best friend and we always play together.

For Halloween we dressed up like Calvin and Hobbes. I didn't really like to wear the hat. I did like playing with the bucket though. I like that I can see my reflection. I love to give my reflection kisses. I also like to kiss teddy bears and blankets and my family and sometimes other people too. I love to give kisses. And the better I get at walking the more I love to sit and snuggle sometimes. I plop myself into the lap of the nearest person and expect them to hold me until I find something else more interesting.

Caleb and I often get the giggles. Usually Caleb pretends to laugh to make me laugh, then my laughing makes him laugh. Sometimes it makes Mom laugh too. We have lots of laughing at our house. We also have lots of wrestling. I am not shy about wrestling any newcomers to our house. Wrestling is my favorite game. I do not like blankets to be on my head though. Sometimes I get all mixed up in a blanket and can't figure out how to get out. Then I get very angry.

I have been sleeping through the night almost every night but sometimes I still get up. Sleep and I just don't really get along that well, I guess. I have also been having a terrible time with naps lately. Some days I take 1 nap and some days I take 3. 

October Update

You would think that with all the birthdays and the kids updating the blog that everything would be updated, wouldn't you? But somehow - I've still missed things.

Emmett - geeze this kid is walking EVERYWHERE! He toddles all over the house all day long - trying to catch up with Caleb. Since he started walking so much his taking has almost completely stopped. Now he is just attempting to see how loud his voice can go. There is lots of screaming these days from this little guys. And yes, his screaming is somewhat high pitched - but I can tell if he's the one screaming in a room full of kids because his voice (just like his brothers) is already deeper than other kids his age. He has gotten very good at giving kisses - at least to Mom and Dad and his teddy bear. He has also tried Grandma's cat and a pumpkin stem. Usually you can tell where Emmett kissed because there is a huge, slobbery, wet spot left behind. He is also getting good at climbing on things - and then using those things to climb onto other things. And he still loves putting things in his mouth. I caught him tasting wipes yesterday.

Caleb - This kid has so many fun things he says these days. Some of my favorites are "Ash-ka-ly" (actually), "We dis-cussed dis!" (We discussed this), "I want to be a missionary!" (usually sung at the top of his lungs during every song in Sacrament meeting), and his prayer "Dank de for beauful day, and da bands bein' crazy, and da rainbow, and da flag on the head and on the face." Last night at FHE he was thankful for "leaves fallin down" (we sang It's Autumn Time for opening song a minute earlier). He loves to add things to his prayers. It's very cute when he prays for things that happened weeks ago. He has a great memory. He is getting good at excuses lately. Though the best one I've ever heard was this weekend. He told me he couldn't go potty before bedtime because "my bum is too tired." I almost started laughing - but I didn't. I very seriously told him that if he would just go potty his bum could go to bed. He looked at me as if to say, 'ok - that totally didn't work.' He has an imaginary friend. His name is "baby Caleb" and he is in our house pretty often. Usually he is small enough to fit in Caleb's hands. Sometimes we have to make sure he gets lunch. Of course, sometimes Tey and Tey-Woof have to have meals too.

At our house we have a song that we sing pretty often. It goes like this (to the tune of You've Had a Birthday), "Emmett's a baby shout hurray. HURRAY!" Then we have other lines we put in afterwards. Sometimes "He needs a diaper change today. HURRAY!" or "He is so squir-rmy today. Hurray!"or whatever else Dad comes up with - cause he's the one who sings silly song. Shortly after Caleb's birthday my mom was singing "You've had a birthday" to him on video chat. Caleb was very distressed and told her "NO! Emmett's a baby shout hurray!" She's been laughing about it ever since. Guess we better teach him the right words before he goes to Primary in January.

The car: Friday afternoon Sam took the car into the shop where they fixed the belt a few months ago. They said it might squeal a little but it would get better. It never did get better so Sam took it back in Friday afternoon after work. He went in, talked to the car people, a guy came to drive the car into the shop - and there was a pop and then the car wouldn't move. Talk about perfect timing. Not to mention we had done our weekly shopping on Thursday night (kind of spur of the moment too). We've had family pictures planned for this weekend a long time so my parents came and got us for the weekend. We're still working on getting the car fixed (something in the transmission) or getting a new one - but I'm thinking we'll end up fixing this car. I feel like it's falling apart faster than we can repair it. We've only owned it 6 months and we've had 2 broken door handles (Sam's jimmy-rigged them both so they work), 2 broken belts, 1 broken windshield (that we fixed the Monday before it died at the shop).

The house: We put in an offer on a house. We've only been looking a month or so - and the house is fine - but the yard is the amazing part. Who wouldn't want to live somewhere with a backyard like this?

Caleb loves it - for sure. This is the back third of the back yard. It's a really deep lot and we love it out back. It's so quiet out back. You can't hear any busy roads out there. And not too many planes. I'm longing for the quiet of this back yard! It's a short sale which actually means it likely be months before we even know if we're going to get this place for sure. So I suppose for now it's kind of a quiet thing - but we're hoping and praying. And I'm so excited about this idea that I wanted to share with all of you!

Sam: Such a good sport he is to ride his bike 7.2 miles to work - even on mornings like today when it is raining - and snowing. He said he got on the bus part way to work and he was still soaked by the time he got to work. Luckily he had a change of clothes at the office. He is loving his job - and while it is definitely work and sometimes not terribly fun - a lot of the time he comes home extremely excited about what he's working on and sometimes he comes home and the things he says he did all day sound like playing - like "today we had to figure out how to wreck a basket ball system" (basket ball hoop) It apparently took 6 guys a long while to figure out how to wreck it. We are all looking forward to Election Day when Sam's 3 months probation will be up and we will be able to get on insurance. For some reason we keep feeling more and more nervous as that day approaches that something will happen before we get on insurance. We have almost all the paperwork ready to go so that we can get on that exact day. 

Stacy: I'm working on getting my portfolio ready so I can join Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. But I'm having some equipment struggles and I need to find a new off camera flash. I had almost figured it out when the car died. Now $200 for a new flash seems ridiculous. Hopefully we'll have that all worked out soon. I'm feeling very pressed to get this done. I've been doing lots of digital scrapbooking lately. It's something I love. And I'm starting to get a whole lot better too. Here are some pages that I've done recently.

The 40 day challenge has been a little off right now - so I've been trying to get other stuff done. I also have more than 10 pages that I've made for kits that haven't been released yet. 

And tonight we are meeting with a member of the stake presidency. I'm hoping the snow lets up - because walking with the boys the 3 or 4 blocks to the church isn't going to be terribly fun in the snow. Though maybe we can let Caleb wear his boots. He has been telling me almost non-stop since we first saw the snow - that he needs to wear his boots. I tried explaining we didn't need the boots till we walked out in the snow - and even then, it's not THAT much snow yet. But he didn't really like that idea. He is dying to wear his boots.