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Fall's End

I decided it's definitely time for an update post. I've had several posts over the past few days for angel baby things. You might even notice a new page on the blog all about angel baby patterns and info. And   before that a post about my own angel baby.

The main thing that sparked that post was a project I was working on for the first birthday of my friend's twins.

20 outfits made to send for stillborn babies. Each outfit takes around 2 hours. It seems so small of a gift for them since they were the ones whose lives got me started on this project. It's been incredibly healing for me and this project has changed my life. 

I always thought it so strange when I heard people go on and on about a cause they believed in. Now I'm one of those people. And suddenly it's not so weird any more to me. I've made around 50 outfits so far this year. I love this project.

Not to say it's always easy. Especially lately this has been extremely emotional. Granted, I feel like everything's been emotional lately. 

The second week of November we gave the prayers in Sacrament meeting - and call me crazy - but that totally freaks me out. I always forget what I should say. I know it's crazy - but it's really draining.

The third week of November we spoke in Sacrament meeting - about challenges we face. Again - really draining. When I got done my hands were tingly for a long, long time. I guess the blood hadn't gone to them while I was speaking. 

This week - the fourth week - I taught the lesson in Relief Society - about service.

On the second Wednesday I also taught a pie demo for Relief Society. I totally shocked them because I was the first person they asked and they were totally asking me to say I didn't know how to make a pie. It was so funny - I was laughing about it weeks later when I actually did the demo. However, it was even funnier to watch the Relief Society president and another lady in the ward argue about who was going to steal the pie behind my back. 

I think all these things are some sort of punishment for missing Stake Conference the first weekend of this month. Emmett and I both had horrible colds. We went through an entire box of tissues in 24 hours. 

Adding all this to the already emotional angel baby project basically made me an emotional wreck for weeks now. Sam almost getting hit by a car and trying to learn to drive our new stick shift car hasn't helped either. 

I love the angel baby project - I really do. I don't like speaking in front of groups though. It seriously renders me basically useless for the next day. But hopefully I'm done now for a while. I'm ready for a break.

In other news:

Emmett is walking EVERYWHERE, climbing on EVERYTHING, and putting EVERYTHING in his mouth. So excited for his first birthday later this week. I'm feeling like it's an accomplishment that I've kept him alive this long. At least he is cute even if he is into everything lately.

Caleb's starting to figure out Christmas. And it's so cute. He sings "Puh-lease on your noggin" and he thinks he's singing Feliz Navidad. He's starting to get the hang of what Santa Clause does. And he loves watching White Christmas. The other day he picked it up off the shelf and said, "White Christmas is my FAVORITE movie!" I was so proud. He's also started saying "The good news is...." which is something Sam says and it totally cracks me up.

Sam's doing much better than he was right after his bike got hit. He's still nervous to have me walk with the boys on 19th though (the street where he got hit). He's loving work though and finally got through his 3 months probation and got a raise. They're already talking about his next raise - a job title change, going on salary and other great perks. That will be sometime in the next year. Life is good.

Still no word on the house we put an offer on. But we're still hopeful.

All in all - we're all safe - and alive - and loving life. And hoping things calm down a little in the near future.

Angel Baby Diaper Dress Pattern

This pattern is almost exactly the same as the Diaper Shirt pattern - just with ruffles on the sleeves and a little skirt.

Start a diaper shirt using the pattern above. We won't make any changes until row 9.

I switched colors so you could see where the changes will happen. You can either do Row 9A which will be like the normal diaper shirt - or you can do 9 B. Don't do both! Pick one! If you do 9A you can skip down a ways to find Row 10.

Row 9A (Normal): sc 10 - skip 16 - sc across till the next turn - skip 16 - sc 10 - chain 1 - turn

Row 9 B(Ruffles): sc 10 - in the next stitch *sc 1 - ch 1 - double crochet (dc) 3 - ch 1 - sc 1. All of those stitches should be in one stitch. Skip the next stitch.* 

Repeat from * to * until you have gone the length of the sleeve. With 16 stitches across for the sleeve you should get 8 little ruffles. 

Then you'll need to close up your sleeve. You'll basically be doing a sc but going through two stitches - one on the front of the shirt and one on the back. The cream stitch is on on Row 8 and the pink stitch is Row 9. You need to do a stitch through them both. It will make a kind of weird stitch but it will work and no one will see it under there. It should look like this:

This is what it should look like from the inside after you put on row 10

sc across what will be the front of the dress. Usually about 20 stitches. When you get to your sh stitches that's where you'll start on the next sleeve. In the next stitch *sc 1 - ch 1 - double crochet (dc) 3 - ch 1 - sc 1. All of those stitches should be in one stitch. Skip the next stitch.* Repeat from * to * until you have gone the length of the sleeve. With 16 stitches across for the sleeve you should get 8 little ruffles. Then you'll need to close up your sleeve. You'll basically be doing a sc but going through two stitches - one on the front of the shirt and one on the back. This one may look a little different than the one you did on the other sleeve - but it should be ok. SC the rest of the way across the back side of the dress. It should look like this:

I switched colors again here - mostly so it was easy to see. 

Row 10: sc in each stitch across - ch 1 - turn. This is the row were you can make your strange stitch under the arm in row 9 look perfect. Just crochet over the top of it as if it were a regular stitch. It might feel weird - especially with the ruffle added - but the trick is to make this row look good even if the last row wasn't good. This row will set the rest of your rows.

Row 11 - THIS ROW ONLY - sc in each stitch around but only go through the back part of the stitch. It should look like this:

Notice the funny little stitches (front stitches) on the front of the outfit when this row is done? 

the inside will look almost exactly the same as the other rows. You just need those little stitches to attach the skirt.

Now finish the outfit with the normal pattern. These skirts have tiny holes you can see through so for the babies privacy we add the diaper anyway even though most of it will be covered up. 

Once you have sc around the edge (making sure to leave button holes) then you get to start working on the skirt. You can start on either side but I usually start on the right hand side when the outfit is upside down. 

Start on the first of your little front stitches.

Skirt Row 1: sc 1 - ch 1 - dc 2  in the first stitch (the single crochet and a chain will look almost like a double when you're done).

Skip one stitch

sc 1 in the next stitch

skip one stitch

dc 3 (like a dc shell) in the next stitch. 

Go all the way across with this pattern: dc shell (3 stitches) - skip one - sc 1 - skip one

The end may be a little off but that's ok because we do still want to be able to get to the buttons later. And this will be the back of the dress so if the dress doesn't come to a complete close on the back side it will be ok. The shirt under it will. You should end up on a sc. Ch 1 - turn.

Skirt Row 2: dc sh in the last sc on the row before. It should look like this:

then do sc 1 in the middle stitch of the dc sh on the row before. Like this:

Go all the way across the dress doing a dc sh in each sc and a sc in the center of each sh. When you get to the end you should end up on a sc in the center of your first dc shell. Ch 1 - turn.

Now you just keep following that pattern until the skirt is as long as you want. You don't need to make a full length skirt for these outfits. They take a LONG time and they're really not necessary. I did 10 rows for this skirt to make it so it ended about the same place the diaper folds.

When you get to the end I do a slip stitch and tie it off. 

Then I tuck the end of the yarn in through the back side of the design. With designs it's sometimes harder to hide your yarn tail - so try to just hide it on the back like this:

Here's what the outfit should look like finished:

Here's the back - see how it looks like the dress doesn't close all the way?

But if you put the sides of the shirt together like they would be with buttons (or if you have buttons to add now is a good time to do those)

Here's a close up of what the pattern should look like upside down - the way you crochet it.

And here's the pattern of the skirt when you're done and you turn it back the right direction.

I know the skirt directions are a little hard to see in the pictures - but the pattern works really well and it makes a lot more sense when you try it. If you get stuck let me know and I'll try to walk you through it. And send me some pictures when you have an outfit that's done - I'd love to see how this turns out for you!

For more angel baby patterns and info click HERE

Why?

Since I started making the angel baby burial outfits I have had a number of people ask me not only why I do it, but how I can stand to do it.

It's an emotional project. Sometimes I crochet with a heavy heart and a lump in my throat. Sometimes I want to completely stop and never look at another one. Usually by the time I get to that point I realize I need to put this project away and work on something else for a while - sometimes even weeks.

Last year my friend Kimberly lost her twins at 26 weeks. I remember reading her blog and watching her Facebook posts and wishing there was something I could do. I sent her some blankets I had made for her babies, but that didn't seem to help me feel much better.  Each time I have heard a story of an angel baby I feel that same sense of wishing there was something I could do. And until I got started on this project - there wasn't anything I could do.

My friend Wanita started me on the project. She kept trying to get me to crochet these outfits with her but it took months for me to get to where I could emotionally even consider the idea. Then one day I realized that if I made something like this I would have some way of helping grieving parents. So I tentatively started making outfits. Wanita put me in touch with Heidi Vawdrey who has a room in her house dedicated to angel baby outfits. Her blog gave me lots of ideas to work with and I started realizing that I could do this project.

I think a part of why I want to help is that I know how it feels to lose a baby. Granted, my baby was gone long before she needed an outfit. You can read more about Lillian HERE. This is a post I just wrote last week. It took me three years of angry quiet grieving to realize what I really needed was a project in her honor. The world will never recognize her. She never needed an outfit or a tiny blanket. She'll never have a grave marker or anything else. But I don't like pretending she didn't exist. She did exist. Maybe only for a couple of weeks - but she's very real to me. This last year I have healed so much more than I did the past three years. I know it's part of how grieving works that we move in stages. I've finally reached the stage where I want to remember. I want her to be a part of my life. And this project makes me feel closer to her - and to the other angel babies I hear about.

Each story I hear of an angel baby touches my heart. Sometimes they really make me cry. It's hard, sometimes, to live on this earth. Life isn't fair. It's not fair that Mommies have to send their babies back to heaven before they hardly get a chance to know them. Sometimes Mommies get to hold their babies for a bit. Sometimes they don't. I can't take away the hurt and the pain even though my heart wishes I could. It's hard to let your baby go. I know. Some people think I can't possibly know - that my baby was gone before she was much of a person - but I know. I can't take away the hurt. I can't make that baby come back - now matter how much I wish I could. The only thing I can do is make outfits to help other people. I can only hope that these people will know that I handmade these outfits for their sweet angel babies because I want to help. I hope they will know that someone else cares about their baby. I haven't met anyone who received one of my outfits yet. Maybe I will someday. But even if I never do I hope that these parents will know that someone else, besides themselves, cared that their baby existed.

I care about these tiny babies. I know their lives are short but each one touches mine. A Mommy never forgets. Someday we will get to meet these angel babies. And how could I face them knowing that there was something I could have done for them and didn't? Life is beautiful and should be celebrated no matter how short it is.

I guess the main point is that I feel compelled to make these outfits. Not a heavy, horrible compelled - but a compelled to help. I can help and I want to. This project has brought me so much peace this past year. I am also working to get certified to be a photographer with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep - an organization of photographers that go to the hospitals to photograph families and their angel babies. Sometimes it still feels like it will be too emotional. But, again, I feel compelled. More than anything I wish I had a physical remembrance of my baby. I can help others have that one thing I wish I had more than anything. So I want to do that. I'm working at getting my equipment updated and then I can submit a portfolio for review and hopefully be able to help even more by taking pictures.

For more info about the crochet outfits - see the Angel Baby Outfit page at the top of the blog or click HERE.

For Lillian

My dear, sweet baby girl,

How is it you have been gone nearly 4 years? Sometimes it seems time is flying so quickly I can't imagine how you've been gone that long. Other times I'm completely blind sided by how much I ache for you still. You have been on my mind a lot this past year. A friend started me on a project to crochet tiny outfits for stillborn babies. These outfits usually fit a baby who made it to 20 weeks. It's hard to believe you didn't even make it that long.

Last night I was talking to Dad and telling him how unfair I felt it was that you were gone so quickly. I feel you are very real to us but it seems like the world passed right by you without even hesitating a second. I felt as though I had no physical connections to you. You were gone so quickly you didn't even have a need for a single blanket. You didn't even make it to your first Christmas so the tiny stocking I got to put up for you sat in a drawer and still haunts me. But I have always wanted something that was yours. I have one ultrasound picture and that's it. No one made you anything. I didn't even make you anything. No blankets, no outfits, no tiny hats - nothing. I was never able to hold you in my arms or kiss your tiny head or have a single picture taken of you. Sometimes I am jealous of those mommies who have those things. At the time I may have felt differently - that it would have been easier to lose you before I could see you. But I don't feel that way now. Part of me wishes there was a tiny stone in a cemetery to mark your birth. Somewhere I could put pinwheels in the spring. Somewhere to sit and cry and wish you were with me. Is that awful of me to wish I had that?

I told Dad last night that it made me angry that you were gone so quickly that we didn't even have a chance to name you. You've just been 'the other baby' - and it's been 4 years. Dad asked me last night if I wanted to give you a name. We've known you were a girl since the night we lost you. Dad gave me a special blessing saying that "Heavenly Father is watching out for your daughter." We had been talking about names since we found out you were on your way, but we only had one we liked, a girl's name. Dad told me last night he's always thought you had a name - that one name we liked. The name had been brought up for each of your brothers, had they been girls, but neither of us have wanted to use it. I realize last night maybe that's because it's just supposed to be your name.

Lillian Jane Robbins

Perhaps you've known all along that's your name. Do you know why we picked it? Lillian is just a beautiful name. And lilies are my favorite flowers. We planned to call you Lily most of the time. We wanted you to have Lillian in case you wanted to be something that needed an official name on the sign out front. Jane comes from a nickname my grandma gave me - Tasty Jane. She always called me that. Rumor has it that she really wanted my parents to name me Jane and they didn't want to. And when I was little I said my name more like "Tasty" than "Stacy." I bet you've met her. She passed away 2 years ago. I miss her a lot. I hope you two are watching out for each other. She can teach you so many great things. You may be the only one of my children to really know her for a while, so I hope you take that opportunity to learn from her. She is a great example.

I suppose I do have one thing for you - a picture of Christ holding a baby. It has been packed away since we've been moving and it hasn't been out for over a year. I'm missing that painting. It reminds me that even though it hurts to be separated from you now that we will be together someday. The first time I saw the picture in Deseret Book I started crying almost instantly. I was with my mom and I told her I wanted the picture. She asked if it was for Caleb and I could only shake my head no and say, "for the other baby." It is your picture. But it's hard to cuddle with a picture. Dad suggested last night that I make you a blanket, like I did for each of the boys. I think I'm going to do just that.


I realized yesterday that in all the hours I have spent this past year making tiny outfits I had never once done something to celebrate you. I always think that December 8th is your day. Not really a birthday - since that was the day we lost you - I just think of it as your day. That day comes and goes every year and I find myself wishing someone else would stop and remember that day too. Usually I am pretty sad and lonely that day wishing for you. I decided yesterday that I want to have a celebration for you. The world may not recognize you by your name. No one will ever find your tiny headstone and wonder how we ever survived without you. The world may not recognize you were here. But I want to recognize you were here. I had you for 10 weeks. It sounds like such a short time but it changed my life. I can't just pretend it didn't happen. I want to celebrate you.

I don't know how we'll celebrate. I hope we come up with something that we can do every year. It may only be our family that celebrates you - but we will do it. I don't think we'll do cake and ice cream or anything like that. It's a different kind of celebration. Dad and I have plans to go to the temple this year. That is one place I feel very close to you. I spent half the night thinking up other things I can do for you. There are so many ways people celebrate babies who never had a chance to live on earth. I know some of them would think I was crazy to want to celebrate someone who wasn't even here long enough to get a name. But I want to do it. I want to make you more real in my life. When we buy a house I'm going to plant lilies - especially pink ones - all around. For you, since it is your name. And for me - since they are my favorite flowers.

You are a beloved daughter - both of your earthly parents and your Heavenly parents. Someday we will meet again. Thanks for sticking close to me lately. I love being able to feel you close - even if I sometimes wonder if I'm crazy looking around the room expecting you to be there. I love that you feel like part of our family. I wish I could see you playing with your brothers. I know they would adore you and that you would be the best big sister these two little boys could have. I love you, my Lily.

Love Mom