Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Two weeks

We've made it two weeks now. I keep thinking it's been a really long two weeks. Then I think it couldn't possibly have been two weeks yet...it still hurts a lot...surely two weeks is enough time to lessen some of the heartache a little.

This week we came across the pictures from the first ultrasound in July. We cried. One of the pictures shows the heartbeat. It makes me happy and sad at the same time. Baby Sam was a real living person. He didn't have a long life on this earth. But he is real!! The promise of being together in the eternities is wonderful, but waiting a lifetime for eternity is sometimes really hard.

7 week ultrasound picture and the blanket I started making several weeks ago.

Sometimes everything is ok. Truly, it is. People keep asking me how I am and I say "ok" or "fine" and they don't believe me. I can tell by the look on their faces. But I am ok, a lot of the time. Notice I don't say great or awesome. But ok. I am surviving. Sometimes I am ok simply because I have to be ok. I have three little people who need me. So even when it feels hard I still have to get up and take care of them. Sometimes I am just ok because I have to be ok. It's good though, to be needed. I might be tempted to stay in bed all day long if I didn't have anyone who needed me. Today I just wanted to finish the blanket I started for baby Sam several weeks ago. But turning on a movie and crocheting all day really isn't really going to make me feel any better. It will likely make me feel worse when the kids get into things and I have to stop what I'm doing.

So we went out this morning. We went to J and J garden center and wandered for well over an hour. I'm sure it sounds crazy to some people that I find a lot of joy in wandering around the nursery. But I do. It makes me so happy to see so many flowers. We found a cute little see saw for our fairy garden. And we found mini roses. I've been looking for mini roses for my kids for months now. I was so happy to find them for $5 today. I have 4 now. I just need one for Gavin. I planted them out front in the new rose bed we put in this spring. I'm loving how this flowerbed is turning out!! It looks so happy and cheerful. I find I am spending a lot of time weeding out there lately.

I keep feeling the need to work till my exhaustion matches the pain and sorrow I feel. I want to work till I can hardly move. Then I'm sure I could sleep instead of thinking all night long. But I apparently don't understand how tired I already am. Last night I ended up in tears (that's been happening a lot) because my dear husband said I needed a break and he wouldn't start the lawn mower for me (it's been finicky and I definitely don't have the strength to fight with it these days). He was right. I was so tired that using something with a motor was probably not the best idea. It's a good thing my husband cares so much about me.

The yard is getting to where it's looking a lot better, though. I've been spending lots of time out in the flowerbeds working on cutting back the irises and planting any new things I find on sale. Flowers make me so happy. I am planting roses for my sweet baby Sam. I will be able to celebrate his day (August 6) every year by picking any roses I want. It is one of the hardest things about trying to celebrate Lily's day in December - finding lilies. They're not typically December flowers.

 Lily's mini rose

Caleb's mini rose

 Emmett's mini rose

Baby Sam's mini rose

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry to hear about your little Sam having to leave. Loss is so devastating, no matter how long they were with you! My condolences.