Why

As human beings we tend to ask "Why?" a lot. It seems like we are always looking for someone to blame. And it makes me crazy - especially in politics. Sometimes we never get an answer to "Why?" and truthfully, most of the time, it truly doesn't matter. As my dad always says, "I don't care who is to blame, I just want a solution."And as Tom Hanks says in Sleepless in Seattle, "There was nothing anyone could do. And it's not fair. But if we start asking why, we'll go crazy." Can you see how these things go together? As I'm typing it out I'm not sure it makes sense - it is almost 2 am, after all. But I just got an answer of "why" and felt I needed to record it.

On the day between finding out our little baby, Sam, had no heartbeat and going in for a d & c we struggled....a lot. It is awful to have 2 days to think. It's awful to try to explain to your kids why Mom and Dad are crying and robotic and don't really care about much of anything you say. It's awful to see all the posts on Facebook talking about what Planned Parenthood is doing. I think there was a part of Sam that wondered if that's what the d & c was like. Maybe not. But it seemed that he was extremely distressed by the idea of a d & c. Maybe he just didn't know what that was. I know he desperately wanted the doctor to be wrong. We decided to visit with our bishop on that Wednesday night. It was a meeting with a lot of tears and a lot of compassion from our wonderful bishop. He gave Sam a blessing and that seemed to change everything for Sam. That was when I knew Sam would be ok. The bishop told us it was ok to ask "why" and, that if we asked in prayer, God would let us know in His time. I remember feeling like that was a weird thing to say. I thought "why doesn't matter" and "it won't change anything" and "there isn't anyone to blame" and probably a lot of other things too. But his words stuck with me.

Not long ago I was visiting with my neighbor/visiting teacher/Relief Society president and she said the same thing - that it was ok to ask God "why" and expect an answer. She used almost the same words the bishop did. That's when I decided maybe I needed to ask "why." So I did. In the temple the other night. I prayed and cried sitting in the celestial room. I had already been thinking about how thin the veil is between heaven and earth and to be in that room just confirmed it. I prayed and told God what I had been told, twice, and that I wasn't sure it mattered if I knew why. But that if I needed to know, to please tell me. And I didn't receive an answer there in the temple. It wasn't until tonight about 1:30 after we'd been woken up by our dog when some neighborhood dogs came into our yard and caused a racket.

As I was trying to go back to sleep I snuggled the blanket I am making for baby Sam. I was thinking about what I had been told. Then suddenly, almost as if someone was talking, I heard/thought, "It was because HE needed this."

It may not sound like much of an answer. I suppose it really doesn't answer why this happened to me. But for whatever reason, baby Sam needed this experience. He was so perfect he only needed to be on the earth for 11 weeks. And this experience is at least as much for him as it is for me.

After we found out there was no heartbeat he was so close. Every time I even started thinking about him I could see his little round face and blond head in my mind. He was right there. Then after the d & c he was gone. I could still see the same background in my mind - but he was missing. That might sound creepy or weird. But it didn't feel that way to me. I guess it was the way I knew he was truly not on earth any more. I felt like he kept telling me not to worry about him. And, I felt him learning. I truly felt like he was completely gone for several days. Like he might even be slightly frustrated that I kept wishing he would be close to me. I kept trying to tell him I wasn't worried about him, I wasn't even sad for him. I was sad and worried for me. And he came back. He's not ever present in my mind now, but he is sticking close. I believe this was something he had to learn about mortal beings. It truly felt devastating that he was just gone. I often feel Lily close - but he was just....gone. And he didn't really want me to call him back. But I can tell he is learning. He has been closer lately. I don't really know how to describe it. I can tell he's there sometimes. Like right now. And now we both know that this trial happened to us because he needed to learn something.

That's not to say I can't learn anything from this trial. I certainly can. I'm not truly sure what I am supposed to get out of this trial, yet. And maybe that's what I can pray for next - when my spirit is ready to know. Truthfully, why doesn't seem to matter to me this time around. I remember wondering why a lot when we lost Lily. It didn't help that it was Christmas time and everyone kept talking about baby Jesus and his miraculous birth. I found myself focusing a lot on why could God save Jesus, but not my baby. I learned over a long period of time that it was a lot bigger than just why God didn't save my baby. I needed to learn from that experience - and I learned a lot. I never would have started a closet for angel clothes, written patterns for angel clothes, or joined Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep if I hadn't known there was a need. I needed to know there was a need that I could fulfill. Something I could do that not many people could. These things have brought a LOT into my life. And I wouldn't trade those things I know. That doesn't mean I don't wish my sweet Lily was on earth with me, I do. I wish she was here. But I know I wouldn't be the person I am today if she was here. And that knowledge gives me some peace. I don't know if it made sense typing it out - have I mentioned it's about 2 am - but it does give me peace. I finally found "why" to that trial after searching and asking for several years.

Knowing why doesn't change anything, but it can bring peace. And I have peace tonight. I know at least part of why we lost baby Sam. HE needed this trial. HE needed to learn about mortal beings, and since his life was so short, he is learning a lot through me, through being my child that I love and miss and wish was here with me. Someday I am sure I will have the eternal perspective that won't wish things were different. But I am missing that right now. I wish I could hold my perfect little ones (they are not babies in heaven - they are kids that are growing and changing). But I know that God has a plan. I try to remember that, and it's really hard sometimes. But someday we will all be together and this trial won't seem so long and hard. And until then, when I feel really down and needing to be with my babies, I can visit the temple where the veil between heaven and earth is especially thin.

Your first day of Kindergarten - a letter

My dearest Little Squirt,

Today is your first day of Kindergarten. Years ago when you were a tiny baby it seemed like this day might never come. But come it has, at last! We've been waiting for this day for a long time. All year we've been getting ready for school, haven't we? We've been doing worksheets till I'm about out of pages for you to work on. You really love working on worksheets. You've been practicing writing out anything you can think of, spelling things all by yourself, and learning how to make your own lunch. You told Aunt Terese yesterday that the thing you were most excited for was your lunch. You've been wanting to pack your school lunch for months. Remember a couple months ago when I kept telling you that the sandwich you made wouldn't still be good by August? Remember how I said you'd have to make a new sandwich for the first day of school? Today was that day!! And you were so excited to make yourself a ham and cheese (with nothing else but bread) sandwich. I love watching you learn things! I am excited to see how much you are going to learn in school. 

I could see this morning you were starting to get nervous. When the bus pulled up I could tell by the look on your face that you were not sure at all about this whole going to school thing. I was about ready to step in to hug you when you got in line and climbed on the bus and didn't even look back. I guess you are more ready to grow up more than I thought you were. You waved as the bus pulled away. Don't worry, we will be waiting when the bus brings you back this afternoon. I believe this is your first school bus trip where your Dad wasn't driving the bus. That's kinda cool. Not every kid gets to ride a school bus before their first day of school. We are missing you a lot. It is really quiet around here with you gone. No one is asking questions I can't figure out how to answer. I hope your teacher is good at answering questions. I know getting answers to your questions is very important to you. 

Today is a very special day for you. It's also a special day for me. This is the first time I've ever sent my child off to school. It's a big first for me. I'm so excited for you and at the same time I'm a little bit sad for me. I've been taking care of you all day every day since you were born. And now you're off to school to learn from someone else. It feels a little strange to me to send you off to learn from someone else. But I am certain you will learn so many great and wonderful things!! It will be so good for you to learn from someone other than me and Dad. You can learn something from everyone you meet. And that will help you be a well rounded person with great perspective. School is a journey and you are just starting today. It will be an adventure. I hope it's an adventure you will love, even though there will be rough days. 

I love you, little buddy! I hope your first day is amazing and that you find a true love of learning!

Love Mom

P.S.Did you notice your shirt, shoes, and lunchbox all match? I didn't until I was looking through the pictures we took this morning.

Birthday Letter - E 2012

My Dearest Emmett,
How did you get to be 1 already? I was recently looking back at pictures of you when you were first born and I was amazed at how tiny you used to be! You weighed less than 6 pounds when you were born. Even in newborn sized clothes you were drowning for a few weeks. You're definitely not that small any more. You're not huge for your age - but you are really stocky and solid. I am amazed at how well you walk already. The other night at our ward party you walked all around the outside of the gym and you only fell once or twice. I can tell you're trying to learn to run so you can catch up to Caleb.

You sure do love your big brother. The two of you have a very special bond. I don't know which of you worships the other more - but it sure is fun to watch you guys together. The other day Caleb was really sleepy and kind of zoning out sitting on the floor. You got a very concerned look on your face and walked over and patted him on the head - like you were trying to make sure he was ok. It was so sweet. You are a very loving person. You love to plop down in any open lap and offer snuggles and kisses. I love snuggles and kisses! Sometimes I wonder how much of my makeup you're getting in your mouth when you give me such drooly kisses - but I love them anyway.

One of my favorite things you do is when you suddenly catch sight of me and say, "Mom, mom, mom," and you wander over for a hug. You don't say a whole lot of words yet - but you do love to babble. Sometimes Caleb and I babble back to you. Caleb thinks it's really funny when we are all talking baby talk. When Caleb starts laughing you know it's funny too and you start laughing. Sometimes both of you are even laughing fake laughs. It always makes me laugh - sometimes I even fake laugh with you - but that usually gets us laughing pretty hard.

You are learning to love music. You like to "sing" and I love watching you dance. You kind of bounce up and down on your tip toes. You also like to bob your head to music. It's so fun to watch you. You love to climb and get into EVERYTHING and as much as possible goes into your mouth. Your favorite things to get into are the things I've taken away from you numerous times. Sometimes you are a little turkey that way!

I'm not sure exactly why it is that you don't like to sleep through the night. Sometimes you do, but more often than not you're up at night. Sometimes we are very tired. But no matter how long we're up at night or how many times you've been up recently, I find a certain peace just holding you in my arms and snuggling you. It's a really special peace. I just can't help but love and adore you even when it's 3 am and I'm totally exhausted. Perhaps it's because I've become so much more aware of how many mommies don't get to hold their babies and wish they could be up in the middle of the night holding their precious little ones. Whatever the case - I often find myself feeling grateful that I get to hold you in the middle of the night.

Emmett, you have been so good for me. I feel so much more complete since you came into our lives. It seems as though you are the healing balm that seems to make everything better. Life isn't without it's scars and hard times, but you have made my hard times seem so much less and the wonderful times so much better. I'm so glad to have you in my life, little one. Happy Birthday - and many more ahead.

Love Mom

For Lillian

My dear, sweet baby girl,

How is it you have been gone nearly 4 years? Sometimes it seems time is flying so quickly I can't imagine how you've been gone that long. Other times I'm completely blind sided by how much I ache for you still. You have been on my mind a lot this past year. A friend started me on a project to crochet tiny outfits for stillborn babies. These outfits usually fit a baby who made it to 20 weeks. It's hard to believe you didn't even make it that long.

Last night I was talking to Dad and telling him how unfair I felt it was that you were gone so quickly. I feel you are very real to us but it seems like the world passed right by you without even hesitating a second. I felt as though I had no physical connections to you. You were gone so quickly you didn't even have a need for a single blanket. You didn't even make it to your first Christmas so the tiny stocking I got to put up for you sat in a drawer and still haunts me. But I have always wanted something that was yours. I have one ultrasound picture and that's it. No one made you anything. I didn't even make you anything. No blankets, no outfits, no tiny hats - nothing. I was never able to hold you in my arms or kiss your tiny head or have a single picture taken of you. Sometimes I am jealous of those mommies who have those things. At the time I may have felt differently - that it would have been easier to lose you before I could see you. But I don't feel that way now. Part of me wishes there was a tiny stone in a cemetery to mark your birth. Somewhere I could put pinwheels in the spring. Somewhere to sit and cry and wish you were with me. Is that awful of me to wish I had that?

I told Dad last night that it made me angry that you were gone so quickly that we didn't even have a chance to name you. You've just been 'the other baby' - and it's been 4 years. Dad asked me last night if I wanted to give you a name. We've known you were a girl since the night we lost you. Dad gave me a special blessing saying that "Heavenly Father is watching out for your daughter." We had been talking about names since we found out you were on your way, but we only had one we liked, a girl's name. Dad told me last night he's always thought you had a name - that one name we liked. The name had been brought up for each of your brothers, had they been girls, but neither of us have wanted to use it. I realize last night maybe that's because it's just supposed to be your name.

Lillian Jane Robbins

Perhaps you've known all along that's your name. Do you know why we picked it? Lillian is just a beautiful name. And lilies are my favorite flowers. We planned to call you Lily most of the time. We wanted you to have Lillian in case you wanted to be something that needed an official name on the sign out front. Jane comes from a nickname my grandma gave me - Tasty Jane. She always called me that. Rumor has it that she really wanted my parents to name me Jane and they didn't want to. And when I was little I said my name more like "Tasty" than "Stacy." I bet you've met her. She passed away 2 years ago. I miss her a lot. I hope you two are watching out for each other. She can teach you so many great things. You may be the only one of my children to really know her for a while, so I hope you take that opportunity to learn from her. She is a great example.

I suppose I do have one thing for you - a picture of Christ holding a baby. It has been packed away since we've been moving and it hasn't been out for over a year. I'm missing that painting. It reminds me that even though it hurts to be separated from you now that we will be together someday. The first time I saw the picture in Deseret Book I started crying almost instantly. I was with my mom and I told her I wanted the picture. She asked if it was for Caleb and I could only shake my head no and say, "for the other baby." It is your picture. But it's hard to cuddle with a picture. Dad suggested last night that I make you a blanket, like I did for each of the boys. I think I'm going to do just that.


I realized yesterday that in all the hours I have spent this past year making tiny outfits I had never once done something to celebrate you. I always think that December 8th is your day. Not really a birthday - since that was the day we lost you - I just think of it as your day. That day comes and goes every year and I find myself wishing someone else would stop and remember that day too. Usually I am pretty sad and lonely that day wishing for you. I decided yesterday that I want to have a celebration for you. The world may not recognize you by your name. No one will ever find your tiny headstone and wonder how we ever survived without you. The world may not recognize you were here. But I want to recognize you were here. I had you for 10 weeks. It sounds like such a short time but it changed my life. I can't just pretend it didn't happen. I want to celebrate you.

I don't know how we'll celebrate. I hope we come up with something that we can do every year. It may only be our family that celebrates you - but we will do it. I don't think we'll do cake and ice cream or anything like that. It's a different kind of celebration. Dad and I have plans to go to the temple this year. That is one place I feel very close to you. I spent half the night thinking up other things I can do for you. There are so many ways people celebrate babies who never had a chance to live on earth. I know some of them would think I was crazy to want to celebrate someone who wasn't even here long enough to get a name. But I want to do it. I want to make you more real in my life. When we buy a house I'm going to plant lilies - especially pink ones - all around. For you, since it is your name. And for me - since they are my favorite flowers.

You are a beloved daughter - both of your earthly parents and your Heavenly parents. Someday we will meet again. Thanks for sticking close to me lately. I love being able to feel you close - even if I sometimes wonder if I'm crazy looking around the room expecting you to be there. I love that you feel like part of our family. I wish I could see you playing with your brothers. I know they would adore you and that you would be the best big sister these two little boys could have. I love you, my Lily.

Love Mom

A note to my squirt

Dear Little Squirt,
I think it is strange that you want to just sit in the high chair all day long. And if you would stop smashing crackers and throwing food to the floor I would greatly appreciate it. I hope you get feeling better soon, it is no fun for either of us when you are sick.

Love your mom