Thursday, December 8, 2011

I remember

Christmas time is a magical time of year. And having a new baby at your house is pretty magical too. But when you combine them together you get something pretty special. It’s often said that Christmas time is a time for remembering. And usually we rejoice in that remembering. Remembering our Savior and his life and sacrifice for all of us. Christmas time is a time for rejoicing.

But for me, December 8th is a special day for remembering, remembering the day we lost our first baby. I know she was gone before that date, but that’s when we knew she was gone. It has been three years now. It seems strange to think that much time has passed already. That little baby has been especially close to my heart this year. I’ve been dreading this date for months now. Mostly I was hoping Emmett wouldn’t pick today to come. I’m so glad he’s already here.

In the past few months I’ve had 3 friends lose babies – and all 4 of them were boys. My heart aches for these mommies. It is so hard to have to say goodbye to a baby you haven’t even really had a chance to meet.

As much as these stories break my heart they rarely made me worry. I’ve often had the impression that Emmett was going to be ok. That he was going to be a fighter. Even when he tried to come back in October, I didn’t worry. Somehow I just knew inside that he was going to be ok. That he would be strong when he did come. Because he was 3 weeks early the hospital staff had all kinds of oxygen set up in case he needed it. His head was barely out before he started crying. I have never heard such a sweet sound as that first cry. Within seconds the nurses reassured me that they wouldn’t even need to test how well his lungs were working because they could hear by as much as he was crying that he was ok and had strong lungs. I suppose it is fitting that Emmett means strong.

Stacy doesn’t mean strong though and I feel right now I am particularly not strong. It still hurts and I can’t imagine that hurt going away. It is one of those experiences that teach you things you cannot learn any other way. It teaches you patience, faith, and love like you can’t imagine. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. But I needed to write a post to let that baby know, and to remind myself, that no matter how much it feels like no one else cares – I remember that baby. I know she is happy in heaven and that someday we will get to meet her, that even though she isn’t here with us now, she belongs to us and will be a part of our family forever.

Isn’t the principle of eternal marriage wonderful? Isn’t it amazing to be able to have our families forever? I don’t know how people survive without that knowledge.

And here is a little excerpt from an article by Joseph B. Walker called Explaining the Inexplicable: “…Sometimes there is no explanation. Sometimes during our precarious journey through life stuff happens that defies explanation. It just happens…Thankfully, our success in life isn't determined by our answers to "why" questions. When it comes right down to it, success, peace and happiness have less to do with external forces acting upon us than with how we choose to react to those forces. It's a matter of attitude, not platitudes. Because the fact is, none of us can control what happens to us. We can't bottle sunshine, or lasso the wind. But we can control our responses to the stuff that happens. And if we can control our responses and reactions, then it doesn't really matter what happens.”

1 comment:

  1. Sometimes I'm amazed with all the emotions that can simultaneously fill our finite bodies. My thoughts are with you too, as you experience the heartaches and the joys of this tender time in your life.